Monday, August 23, 2010

Everyone take cover....we're under attack!!

There we are, my mom and I, Friday night, minding our own business. Talking. Chatting. Having ourselves a cocktail. My dad and Mr. Goose Poop upstairs. Working. Mom and I are having some sort of intelligent conversation. The night air is cool. The breeze is awesome. The heat and humidity of the day slipping away. There is an occasional arm flying in the air, done by one of us, whooshing away a stray bug. Ahhhh, so nice. Relaxing even. It's been a long week. I really needed this.

We're in the middle of a conversation, and I hear it. Bzzzz....No biggie. Bugs aren't really my friends, but I can deal. More conversation. Bzzzz....swat! "Anyway, what was that Mom?" Bzzzz....ZZZZ...ZZZZ!! Crash! Boom! Bang! I jump up like the military just launched some high tech bomb down at my mom and I. "Holy Crap, mom!! What the heck was that?!?" I yelled. (Actually, I think it was more like "Holy Shit, mom!! What the hell was that?!?" But that's beside the point!!) Something landed in the corner of my deck.

I tip toe around the corner. Moving too fast may set off the bomb, you know!! I peek around the corner. Nothing. I step around the corner. Nothing. I slowly inch my way to the corner. Nothing. Now, I know I'm not loosing it here. I know I heard nothing short of a bomb headed downward, and a huge crash as it landed. I'm looking. Nothing. I start ever so softly tapping the grill cover. Nothing. I pound on the door. Nothing. I look up, then I see it. It sees me. I tried not to look it in the eyes. I jump a little. It moved. Moved!! saw us!

"Mom, give me something!" She looks at me! I don't have time to explain. This creature looks hungry. I think it skipped dinner. If I don't hurry, and keep my eye on it at all times, I may be a thing of the past. A glass! Yes! (Remember the cocktails we were having?!?) Mom's almost done with hers. I sprint, dump out what's left of her drink (sorry mom!) and ever so slowly, I capture him. Got him. Yea great, I've got him captured under a glass....up against my house! If I move the glass, he's bound to get us!

Local Mom and Daughter killed!
Eaten alive my monster-like creature!

Thanks, but no thanks! "Mom, give me something!" Again, she looks at me. Yes, I see something. For once I'm not mad that my kids didn't take care of all their crap. I see a mini notebook on the table. Hurry! I rip off the small back cardboard cover. Mom helps me slip the (too thin for my liking) cardboard between the glass and the house. Got him! I've never in my life seen a bug (if that's what you'd call this thing!) this friggin' big before! He's ginormous!! Bigger than ginormous.

We go inside to show my dad and Mr. Goose Poop what we've just saved the general population from. This thing was so big, it could have eaten our whole city in a day, maybe two! I'm proud of myself. I'm thinking I'm going to sell this thing to the museum. I'll get so much money, I'll finally get that BMW I've always wanted.

Local girl finds world's biggest bug!

She's now a bazillionair living life in the fast lane!

My dad and Mr. Goose Poop weren't as impressed as I thought! Or as impressed as I was! Actually, they've seen them before. Actually, they're all over the place. Actually, this is no "biggest bug ever found". Actually, nor did I save us all from being eaten alive by this creature. Thanks for bursting my bubble dad! Now I can't even think of the stupid name of the ginormous bug I found. Sakada maybe? I don't know. I'm told it's one of those bugs that lives up in trees and makes those outrageously loud screeching noises.

You tell this the biggest bug in the history of bugs EVER???!!??

Scared ya, didn't it?? Now wouldn't you be proud if you captured this monster?? Look at the size of that thing!! It's eyeballs alone are bigger than my fist! It's under one of my drinking glasses, and takes up at least half of it! Ick...

Well, I guess my fortune will have to come from something other than capturing the world's biggest bug! Guess this isn't it after all. Guess I didn't save us all from being eaten alive. But, if this isn't the world's biggest bug, I sure as heck don't want to see what the biggest one is. Because this bug, this bug I tell you, was GINORMOUS!!!

At any rate, we put him in a tupperware conatiner, because as you know....I'll tell this story to my kids and they will for sure believe me that I caught the world's largest bug. Take that dad!!


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